10 Years

"Where you go, I will follow." Ruth 1:16

I'm dedicating this blog post to my husband, Brandon. Today makes 10 years since we said our vows. 10 years since we started this thing called marriage.

I'm not going to lie. It has been really hard for me to start this post. Looking through all of our wedding pictures has stirred up so many different emotions. Memories of loved ones who have since left this world. A broken relationship between my parents. The emotional roller coaster of packing up my entire life, leaving my entire family and everything I've ever known to move to Montana. It was not an easy season of life, that's for sure. But one thing is for sure, Brandon, you are worth it.



6-4-04.

The day we began our life together.



It seems utterly impossible that we have been married for ten years?! And yet, ten years and three gorgeous children later, here we are. We have often joked that the length of our marriage has felt like five minutes...under water. Although I cringe every time I hear it, there really is some truth to it.

Hear me out... We all have those friends that claim they "never fight" with their spouse. I generally will just respond with a "good for you" and a very sarcastic smile. I will not go into how I really feel about this now. But, for whatever reason, I have really been thinking about this a lot this past week.

We have definitely had our share of fights, arguments, disagreements, whatever you want to call them. And truthfully, there have been times when we have both questioned if we had made the right decision. While a part of me wishes that I could wipe all of those memories away, the other part of me realizes we wouldn't be where we are without working through the struggles. It's easy to walk away from something that's challenging. But working through the issues, has a far greater return. We have both grown, matured and changed in so many ways over the last decade. And for that, I am truly grateful.

We are living a life without regrets.



Brandon, I have been absolutely honored and privileged to be your wife for the last 10 years. There is no one else I would rather share my life with. No one else I would rather parent our children with. There is nothing that I would change. Nothing that I would redo. I love everything about our life. Everything we have battled through, everything we have triumphed, everything we have accomplished together. Thank you for bringing me a newfound perspective on life. Thank you for teaching me all that you have. Thank you for showing me I am worth loving and how to love in return.

"...you have given me a reason to smile, a reason to hope, a reason to love."  An excerpt from a letter I wrote to you on our wedding day.

And, it is just as true today, as it was 10 years ago.

I love you more than ever before, Brandon.

Happy Anniversary.

Journey to a New Me

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life." Is that how the saying goes? Corny? Yes. Overused? Absolutely. Applicable? Definitely.

Recently, I stopped nursing Harper. After nearly seven years of either being pregnant or nursing, my body is just mine again (Well, mine and my husband's. But this isn't that kind of blog...). And I have to say, I am ready! I am ready to get my body back into shape. Ready to shave off the extra weight. Ready to feel good when I look at myself in the mirror. Ready to enjoy trying on new clothes. I am ready to take my body back!

Nothing about losing weight and getting fit is easy. It takes hard work, determination, will, focus, self discipline. But it all starts with one simple word...decide. I have to decide whether or not this is what I want. Once I have made that decision, the rest falls into place. And I have finally made that decision. I am going to take care of myself now. I'm not doing this for my husband (though he does benefit from it). I'm not even doing this because I feel self-conscious and worry about what people think of me (true as that may be). But I am doing this for me. Just me. Courtney. Because I deserve this. I deserve to feel better. I deserve to feel proud of how I look. I deserve to be a trophy wife.

Over the last several years, Brandon and I have worked diligently to become debt free. We have been extremely disciplined with our budget because we desperately wanted change. Not just change for us and our future. But change that would effect our children's futures as well. And that is exactly how I feel about making these changes towards a healthier lifestyle. I am not just doing this for my own benefit. But am doing this to set a good example for my children. To show them the importance of living a healthy, active life. To teach them how to take care of the bodies God gave us.

Though I am only 11 days into this journey to a new me (I know, I know, I've barely just begun), I have already crossed a huge (no pun intended) milestone. I am finally out of the 150s! Those numbers are not something I have been proud of. In fact, I have been disappointed in myself every time I've stood on the scale for the past 15 months. Until now! Those numbers will no longer haunt me. This is a breakthrough moment for me. Because, I will NEVER see those numbers on the scale again. And I couldn't be happier!

Each day I am another step closer to achieving my goal. A healthier, happier me. I will take this journey one step, one day at a time.

Look Out World!

 

 

 

 

God is on the move. I don't know what He's got going on for us. But I know that it's in the works. Whatever He's planning for us is huge. So world, look out! The Smith family name may be as common as coffee is to Starbucks. But THIS Smith family is anything but common. We are fighters. We are ground shakers. We work the grind like nobody's business. Our opportunity to break out is coming.

 

I'm so proud of my husband, Brandon. You will never know a man that works harder for his family than him. I imagine that many wives say that about their husbands. But I am serious. Brandon Smith is the real deal. He has worked his tail off for years to dig us out of nearly $300,000 of debt. Working 3 and 4 jobs at a time. He has made unbelievable sacrifices to see our family succeed. Because of his hard work (and the wisdom of Dave Ramsey), we have changed our family tree. We have set our children up for a future that to us seemed unimaginable. But it goes beyond that. We have helped change the direction of countless families, from desperation to hope. I could not be more proud to be married to such a talented, dedicated, honorable man!

 

All of our hard work to break free from debt has paid off. But I know that there is so much more for us than that. God is preparing us for something ridiculously huge. I can feel it. We are just on the brink of it. I know it to be true. While I don't have a clue of what it is or when it will take place, I know that I can and will trust God with it. His ways are far greater than what we could ever plan or even hope for.

 

God, I give you our family. Our future is Your's. Have YOUR way. Amen.

Bittersweet...But Mostly Just Bitter

 

This has been a hard couple of weeks for me. I've had a difficult time getting simple tasks accomplished, staying focused, controlling my emotions. I will start the day off committing to make it better than the day before, only to lose control of my agenda once again. The reason behind this? My last baby is turning one.

 

While this is going to be a hard thing for me to share, I know it will be good for me to get it all out there. So, please, bear with me...

 

In just a few, short days, my baby girl is turning one. My LAST baby is turning one. I knew this day would come, of course. But that did not prepare me in the least. Before I was even pregnant, my husband and I had made the decision that our family would be complete with a third child. Throughout my pregnancy we talked about it frequently to make sure it was indeed what we wanted. Since Harper was born via C-section, I opted to have a tubal done at the time of her delivery. Please, do not misunderstand what I am saying here. I DO NOT regret having had done this. I do absolutely feel that our family is complete. However, the reality of moving out of the baby stage permanently, is what's getting to me.

 

The baby swing sat in our living room, unused for months before I finally had the courage to hand it off to someone else. I thought that by seeing it sitting there everyday, I would think she were still a tiny baby, when reality was "she is growing up." Getting rid of the swing was a huge step for me. Though, just the first of many, many more. Once the swing was gone, I started feeling more of an urgency to get rid of all things baby. As soon as she outgrew an outfit, I would take it out to the bin in the garage, so I couldn't see it anymore. I have since, passed on nearly every piece of baby clothing to another family member. Knowing as I did it, that I would never be putting those things on my own baby ever again. Heartbreaking.

 

The last six years have been all about babies around here. It will be so strange, so different for us to not think like that anymore. I honestly cannot even grasp what that will be like. There's a part of me that is excited about it. And yet a part of me that feels like it's dying inside. Dramatic? Yes. But honest.

 

I don't know how long it will take for me to get over this ache I feel in my heart. Seeing my sweet, baby girl growing, learning, changing nearly everyday is so hard. I know all moms go through this. And I remember this feeling from my older two. But, it is different this time. This is it. There will be no more. This phase of our life is ending. Harper is our last baby. And our last baby is turning into a toddler.

The 4 Letter Word I Struggle With

Catchy blog post title, isn't it? Admit it, you only opened this post to find out what word I'm talking about. You thought, "I want to get some dirt on Courtney!" Well, this may have just been my way of getting you to read my blog (if I'm being totally honest...IT WAS!) So, gotcha! My author mom would be so proud! :) This 4 letter word that I am referring to, is likely one that you are struggling with as well. This awful, belittling word is CAN'T. And here are 4 reasons this word has been a constant in my mind and vocabulary:

1. Pinterest moms.

I can't be crafty. 

I finally joined the Pinterest world this week. I don't even know where to start! I have found it to be inspiring and yet, overwhelming. It makes me feel extremely inadequate and quite frankly, untalented. While I would love to be into this creative stuff, I just can't get it! Though, I think my husband and kids would disagree. Fortunately, they do not know the world of Pinterest and they think I'm super smart and creative as is. Joke's on them! Or is it??

2. A clean house.

I can't keep up with housework.

One would think that after nearly 10 years of marriage, I would have mastered the simplicity of keeping the house clean. Now, don't get me wrong. My house does have the overall appearance of cleanliness. My minor case of OCD helps. Clutter makes me crazy. Very seldom, is my house a mess in that regard. But it's all the hard core cleaning I can't seem to accomplish. For instance, I could not tell you the last time I dusted my house or scrubbed a shower. It has been at least a month. Is that bad? I mean, at least the laundry is done, right? Or does it count as being done if it's been in the dryer for hours?

3. Gourmet chefs with fancy meals.

I can't cook.

I am not the best cook. I don't make fancy, 3 course meals. I don't bake well. And I hate this about myself. This is one of my greatest insecurities. I wish I were better at it. I know I just lack the confidence and experience it takes to be a great chef or even The Next Great Baker. I hope to one day be able to take some cooking classes and increase my ability to feed my family better. But, before you worry that we are all starving over here, I assure you, we are not! And that brings me to my final and biggest struggle (no pun intended)...

4. Moms who get their pre-pregnancy bodies back 3 months post partum.

I can't get skinny.

This is the one I struggle with the most. Call me vain, but I like to look good. But, here I am nearly one year post partum and still hanging onto an extra 15 pounds. And let me be real here, I am full of excuses as to why I haven't lost this weight. But they are just that, excuses. The first one being, I don't have time to hit the gym everyday. While this is true, I'll tell you what I do have time for. I do have time to wake up 30 minutes earlier and do a short workout before getting everyone else up and ready for the day. I do have time to prepare healthier meals. And really, isn't that all it would take? Another excuse, I had 3 c-sections in less than 5 years. (And before you give me all your crap on modern day medicine vs natural childbirth, etc...let me just say that I don't want to hear it. I carry enough guilt about how my children came into the world. I feel like I am somehow less of a woman because I never got to experience true labor. So, whatever you're thinking about my decision, stop. Okay, vent over.) A realization I just had, is that for 70 of the last 77 months I have been either pregnant or nursing. And for those 7 months I wasn't, I was skinny. Maybe not your definition of skinny. But I was a healthier, skinnier me. What I've realized is, those other 70 months my body was being used to care for someone else. Not me. My mentality since being a mom has always been that my kids come first. And they do. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, I believe that's how it's supposed to be. But at the same time, it's okay to do something for myself too. That's the part I can't grasp. I honestly do struggle with wanting to do anything for myself. But, if I want to get my PRE 3 babies, 3 surgeries body back, I have to start thinking about me.

Now, maybe this 4 letter word gets overused in your vocabulary too. Or maybe you're sitting there thinking, wow, Courtney has some serious insecurity issues. Well, truth be told, I do! But I am certain I am not alone. If you were to be completely honest with yourself, I'm sure you would have to admit that you struggle with some negativity too. Let's make a vow to take this ugly 4 letter word out of our vocabulary! Instead of focusing on what I CAN'T do. I will focus on what I CAN. I promise to accept myself for who I am. To love myself enough to invest in me. How about you? What are you going to do to better yourself? What CAN you do?