Bittersweet...But Mostly Just Bitter

 

This has been a hard couple of weeks for me. I've had a difficult time getting simple tasks accomplished, staying focused, controlling my emotions. I will start the day off committing to make it better than the day before, only to lose control of my agenda once again. The reason behind this? My last baby is turning one.

 

While this is going to be a hard thing for me to share, I know it will be good for me to get it all out there. So, please, bear with me...

 

In just a few, short days, my baby girl is turning one. My LAST baby is turning one. I knew this day would come, of course. But that did not prepare me in the least. Before I was even pregnant, my husband and I had made the decision that our family would be complete with a third child. Throughout my pregnancy we talked about it frequently to make sure it was indeed what we wanted. Since Harper was born via C-section, I opted to have a tubal done at the time of her delivery. Please, do not misunderstand what I am saying here. I DO NOT regret having had done this. I do absolutely feel that our family is complete. However, the reality of moving out of the baby stage permanently, is what's getting to me.

 

The baby swing sat in our living room, unused for months before I finally had the courage to hand it off to someone else. I thought that by seeing it sitting there everyday, I would think she were still a tiny baby, when reality was "she is growing up." Getting rid of the swing was a huge step for me. Though, just the first of many, many more. Once the swing was gone, I started feeling more of an urgency to get rid of all things baby. As soon as she outgrew an outfit, I would take it out to the bin in the garage, so I couldn't see it anymore. I have since, passed on nearly every piece of baby clothing to another family member. Knowing as I did it, that I would never be putting those things on my own baby ever again. Heartbreaking.

 

The last six years have been all about babies around here. It will be so strange, so different for us to not think like that anymore. I honestly cannot even grasp what that will be like. There's a part of me that is excited about it. And yet a part of me that feels like it's dying inside. Dramatic? Yes. But honest.

 

I don't know how long it will take for me to get over this ache I feel in my heart. Seeing my sweet, baby girl growing, learning, changing nearly everyday is so hard. I know all moms go through this. And I remember this feeling from my older two. But, it is different this time. This is it. There will be no more. This phase of our life is ending. Harper is our last baby. And our last baby is turning into a toddler.